Friday, February 26, 2010

Finding My Purpose…

Lately I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go right back to sleep. I sit there and try to figure out my purpose in this life. I am convinced that my purpose is not to just work to pay bills. I find that I don’t have the desire to spend money like I used to in the past. I’ve become more of a homebody because leaving the house means spending money which unfortunately means I just have to work that much longer and harder. I’m tired.

I am 32 and would love a family of my own. I have the cutest little nephew and when I spend time with him, I smile and laugh and find joy in simple things like banging on Tupperware. I’ve got a boyfriend of a year and a half but we’re both not in the best financial condition. You know my finances…just click on the net worth chart to the right. Umm…definitely not ideal.

My boyfriend and I met just after he purchased his own condo in August 2008. He got laid off that December and was unemployed for 6 months. His former employer eventually filed for bankruptcy and liquidated. So…not ideal for him either. It is going to take him some time to fully get back on his feet but he is not a lazy man by any measure and he is much more disciplined with his money. He joined the Army Reserves to pay for grad school so I know he only has a fraction of my student loan debt. He should be in pretty good financial condition in another year and he is employed with a very solid company. The only concern I have is that he may be under water with his condo. It’s plenty spacious though with 3 bedrooms and 3 baths so he could get pretty good rental rates and/or if things work out, there is plenty of room for me there in the short-term.

I often panic and wonder what I really have to offer? I am 32 and my net worth is in the tanker. I do have my own condo with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths and I have a lot of potential. But...I often wonder if this man really wants to gamble with potential? He knows I have another mortgage in student loans and credit card debt but he doesn’t know the full extent. He also knows that I am trying to land a higher paying position and he is very supportive and encouraging.

Last night my Dad was holding my nephew and asked me when I was going to give him a playmate. He said…you’re getting old now. What could I really say in rebuttal? I want kids but 1) there is an order to things in my opinion and I would like to get married first and 2) I can’t afford a child even though I know the child would be welcomed into the most loving of families. My Dad said they would help (can you smell desperation for grandkids) but I pointed to my nephew and said love and enjoy him. And umm...talk to your other daughter Dad…she has a husband AND dual income. =)

9 comments:

Shannalee said...

A lot of what you wrote here resonated with me, I think largely because we 20- and 30-something females in our society have similar life dreams and desires, but also because of what you said about finding purpose in this life. That is like THE question that comes up most often with friends of mine in similar places in life.

So I wanted to tell you two things:
1) I get it. I so get it.
2) It may seem a strange response, but have you read "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller? It's all about the stories we are writing with our lives, and it is excellent. Maybe check it out of the library or buy a used copy on Amazon? Just a thought.

belle said...

I understand where you are coming from. I am turning 30 in 2 days and I have the same fears and doubts.
Regardless of our financial positions, we should never question our self worths.... there is more to life than money

Chitown said...

Thanks Belle. =)

Chitown said...

Shannalee,

Thanks for the suggestion. I got an eReader for my Birthday. I am going to see if my local library has the eBook and download it.

Have a great weekend. =)

Aaren said...

Chi, please don't measure worth by what you think you can offer. My boyfriend and I have both been unemployed for months at a time, you know my net worth is lower than yours, and his is lower than mine!! And it'll be awhile before that changes. And we'll still get married next year, and we'll survive, and thrive.

So will you. Your life will be on hold forever if you keep waiting to make it just right. It's never going to be just right, because life just doesn't work that way. Don't let life pass you by while you're busy getting things together so you can "live."

Anonymous said...

WCB,

I told you that my husband and I had well over 300,000 in debt 10 years ago when we graduated. Both of us were close to your age now when we graduated. We now have 55,000. Again, just a reminder that you are not alone.

It took a long time to get there. It won't be quick. It sounds like you are discouraged and are feeling overwhelmed. You have to take each day as it is. It is difficult at first when you start to tackle your debt, but as each debt starts to go down, your confidence increases.

You are a person outside of your debts- you have to decide who that person is. Is it a person who gambles to have fun? Is it a person who can take her nephew to the park to have fun? You can define who that person is without money attached to it if you choose.

Don't get caught in a downward spiral and stop blogging again! We will miss you! Keep at your goals - what you are doing now, to eliminate your debt. Try to find a purpose without getting bogged down and depressed. It won't help in the long run. And it will be a long run. And that is ok.

BTW, sorry about your grandmother and your mom having to take care of her. That happened to my mom to and it was heartbreaking to watch.

Enough! I practically hijacked your post.

Kris

Chitown said...

Thanks Aaren. Thanks Kris.

No worries. I won't stop blogging again. Thanks for sticking with me.

Monique said...

Just turning 29 last week, I so understand where you are coming from with this post.

I make myself leave the house so I don't go crazy. The most fulfilling thing that I have done for free has been volunteering at the Salvation Army. No matter what your situation you can always fine some place where your time and energy will be greatly appreciated.


Get out and go to the gym. When it warms up enjoy the path along the lake. I once did a 20 mile run there and thought it was beautiful.

Your city is way bigger than mine, don't take its freebies for granted.

Chitown said...

Monique,

I am really looking forward to Summer in Chicago.

We had a very cool Summer last year so I really plan to get out and enjoy the Sun and Lake this year.