Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Broke & Broken...

I am going to take a blogging break for a couple of weeks. I just feel so completely broken and I don't know how to put the pieces back together again.

Out of the blue, Harlem sent me a beautiful text message on Saturday and the band-aid was just ripped off. I cannot help who I am or the fact that I love this man so completely regardless of his flaws. I found myself texting with him again and finding myself back in the old rythym and wanting more.

My chest starting hurting last Thursday and I had really bad chest pain on Monday and needed to go to the ER. With a family history of heart concerns, you can't be too careful. If it weren't for my Mom and Dad, I would have been at the hospital alone. I wanted Harlem with me and wished he was there but all I could have and get were text messages from NYC. I was at the hospital for a while, about 7 hours with Monday being the busiest day. At some point, my Mom had to take my Dad home so he could take his medicine and I was left at the hospital by myself and just sitting there in pain. I literally had nobody and I felt utterly alone. My Mom and Dad have each other. My Sis and BIL have each other and I have no one. 

Yesterday, Harlem says he thinks we can be great friends without the romance and he would really like that, when everything in me is screaming "I WANT MORE! I NEED MORE!" How do you stay friends with the man you love and the man you're in love with and see him go about living his life without you and creating your dreams with someone else?!?! I am not built that way and I don't have just friendly feelings. If friendship was all I wanted then that would work but it's not. I want a husband and a family and for the life of me, I still want that with him. In good times and tough times. 

Today, Harlem will begin his travels to Morocco for his 40th birthday trip, a trip I thought we were going to take together. I cannot help but wish I could experience that with him and at the same time hope he has an amazing and safe time. 

I feel so broken. I just didn't expect to be here at this point in my life. I have to figure out how to pay the medical bills from the hospital visit, my brakes on my car are squeaking again and I'm just soooo tired of struggling. I need help. I'm so tired of doing everything on my own. 

I'm hiding out in the bathroom at work because I can't stop the tears from falling. My eyes are red and puffy, my nose is surely red. So tired. I need a break. Thanks. 

6 comments:

Kas said...

Your story is eerily similar to mine like almost 95%. The make ups and break ups. The guy not knowing what he wants and keeps stringing you along. The hosptial visit when the guy never shows up (had that happen to me). Just know that there are so many wonderful men out there. I know how extremely hard it is to cut the ties you have with Harlem but you need to move on if you want to find happiness. Move on and don't look back. I had my wake up call (it took 5 years) and it was the best decision I could have made. I had to block my ex's phone number so he couldn't weasel his way back into my life. Please email me. If anything I can offer support from someone outside your circle who doesn't know you personally but knows your story. Kasey 458 @ yahoo. Also please know that it's ok to feel broken. You are grieving and you need time to do that. Don't let anyone tell you differently. The tears will eventually not come as often but it's a process. I used to get teary eyed at work a lot because thoughts of my ex would cross my mind. You will also at some point if not now go through an angry period where you are mad at Harlem for not being the man you want him to be. That's normal as well but you can't change others and he will be the way he is until he wants to change (if he ever even does). You seem like such a great person, now give yourself the ability to find a great man to be your equal by letting go of your baggage (Harlem). Take care and hope to hear from you!

Chitown said...

Thanks so much for your comment Kas. It lets me know that I am not off base with my emotions. I wanted nothing more than to spend happily ever after with Harlem so it's hard to give up the dream. We had such a chemistry and it's just a complete shame to me that he feels the need to end our relationship and step away each and every time there is any form of disagreement or discord because it's an impossible and unrealistic expectation/scenario in any relationship. The very sad part is that if he lived in Chicago, the majority of the arguments we did have would never have happened. They were arguments over a temporary situation since we were never going to do long distance forever or much longer for that matter. Anyway, I hope he has a great and safe 40th birthday to Morocco and I will just continue to keep him in my prayers while I move forward into what God has in store.

ShellyShell said...

My story was like this last year with DC. But In Sept when he pulled his dumb shyt. I knew I had to be done with him....for good. You teach people how to treat you and if Harlem can't treat you with respect dignity....you have to let him go. Trust me I know it's hard but self respect is much better than to go back and forth with someone. He stated how he wants things. Wish him well and keep it moving. Talk to him on your terms. If he calls,text etc don't jump over hoops to answer.
It's ok to feel sad and broken. But you have to know you're better than what anything he had to offer you. Be strong!

Chitown said...

I am trying to stay strong. My family and friends keep me going but I come here to vent, etc. because I can't go to them anymore about these kinds of feelings.

I think Harlem has one of the most beautiful spirits I have ever met. He's really a good person and he's shown me a lot of love and support in the last year. There are many positives. The issue comes down to commitment and settling down. Good and lasting relationships and marriages require a steadfast and unwavering commitment to ride out the peaks and valleys and to continue working to improve as individuals and as a couple. You cannot give up whenever you have a tough moment.

We would often use sports analogies and talk about winning. Well the game we play is 365 days out of the year and if we have 5-10 small spats or disagreements over the course of a year, we are more than beating the odds and winning. Negative energy and moments carry a heavier weight so you have to make sure you don't forget and celebrate all the other days you're winning and making progress.

I think when you've lived 20+ years on the go, living in multiple countries and living a life so independent, that having to be accountable to someone else and include someone and their needs into your daily is a major adjustment. Not having my partner around on a daily is and was a major adjustment to my way of doing things. In the end though, I chose him every day. I just wish he would have chose me back every day. Together, we could have worked through anything.

Kay B said...

I used to complain to my family and friends all the time and I know it drove them nuts. Obviously people in your life want you to be happy so its hard to hear about a loved one repeatedly being hurt. My ex would never commit to me. He had so many reasons most of which were ridiculous. After I 100% kicked him out of my life, within a few months I met my now boyfriend. We have been together a year and a half and are already talking marriage. He is willing to commit to me (which is what I always wanted). If I had never given up on my ex I would never be where I am today. Letting go is painful but to get what you want in life its what you have to do.

Chitown said...

Thanks for sharing Kay B. One day at a time. Today was a good day.