Saturday, April 12, 2014

Tough Times & Recent Breakup...

I just had a pretty tough couple of weeks. I decided a month ago to give my Ex another chance and once again it didn't work out. I sincerely love him but it's hard to be in a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells. What I mean by that is that for the most part, I can't have a bad day, I can't show human emotions of sadness or frustration, I can't question anything and I can't offer any criticism without being chastised, ignored or disregarded for a period of time (days/weeks/months) or literally dumped. Only for him to come back like it never happened and I'm supposed to just live in the present and forget the past. My life is not a revolving door and I'm a human being with feelings and it hurts like hell. 

We never have arguments over anything substantive. It's all petty stuff that should last a day at the most and nothing to lose momentum over. Sometimes, you just get out of sync as a couple. But when you close off the interaction and communication, the connection just dies and you can never gain the proper momentum to move the relationship forward. We both want to get married and have children so We cannot afford to waste time doing this stop and go, stop and go. It hurts. It's counterproductive. It's fantastical if one thinks you can be in a relationship and not have some conflict, disagreement or arguments from time to time but that's not the end all be all. It happens in every relationship and friendship. 

The small argument we had after weeks of enjoying each other, communicating and having fun should never have resulted in a break up. To have it happen over text and then confirmed by phone while I am at work was awful. I just grabbed my coat, purse and sunglasses, and walked over to Millennium Park. I stared at the Bean for an hour with tears coming down my face. I feel like I've built up enough equity and goodwill in our relationship and I've given him so much grace & mercy to be able to have a bad day or a frustrated moment and not be thrown away like trash.

Long distance relationships can be difficult. They're even harder when you're dating someone who lives a very unstructured life and your life is very structured. It's even more difficult when you try to merge those lives together. For the most part, I think I did a good job. Even in these last few weeks, I may of had hours or a couple day's notice that he was coming into town. We both wanted to see each other and spend time together. The first visit, I had a few hours of notice but I gladly worked with it and we made it happen. We decided we'd see each other around 4ish on a Sunday evening and his flight would land around 9pm. I was in the City so I had to drive home which was about an hour away, straighten the house, do personal grooming and still drive an hour to the airport. So worth it! We had a great time. I even called off from work on Monday so we could spend more time together. I was able to fit his unstructured, on a whim, moment to moment lifestyle into my structured life but it's just not always that easy and there's lots going on in the background on my end to also shuffle things around and have things nice and comfortable for him when he visits. Some days it's easier. Some days it's harder and I can get frustrated but I always felt like he was worth it and we were worth it. Even though I signed up for it, that doesn't mean I didn't get frustrated from time to time. I really just wanted him here in Chicago with me. 

So back here again and it hurts. It hurts to love someone and have them discard you so easily like trash. For them to tell you that you're it, that you're such a great human, and that they love you and then they break up with you within the same week. It's extreme! But it's also insanity for me to keep choosing to do it over and over because this is about the 6th time in a year that I've been tossed aside. The punishment, if you will, never fits the crime and I don't treat him the same when he has a bad day or lets his mouth get the best of him. Grace & Mercy. When we were arguing, my Ex mockingly asked me where was my God that Saturday and my rally call to have God walk with me. Well, I walk with God everyday and HE picks me up when I stumble and HE gives me strength to push forward in my walk with HIM. I'm not perfect but HE loves me anyway and never gives up on me. Now, that is LOVE!

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I completed several devotionals on relationships and marriage and this one devotional stood out to me and I really try to live it and apply it in all of my relationships. It's called DON'T PLAY FAIR. 

"Do you remember your parents telling you to “play fair”? That’s certainly a good moral to live by in sports or board games. But playing fair is also one of the quickest ways to ruin a marriage.

Good for good; bad for bad. That’s the driving force behind playing fair. It’s a philosophy that says, “If you treat me right, I’ll treat you right. But if you cross me, I’ll hurt you right back.” In a conflict, it means a couple gives each other what they deserve, and that’s exactly the problem.

Playing fair works as long as we give good things to our spouse in return for their positive behavior. But what happens when respect breaks down and one spouse snaps in anger at the other? Often times, the spouse who gets yelled at responds by screaming right back. And just like that, the relationship takes a hit because one spouse has given the other what they deserved. Unfortunately, many marriages operate on this premise, and it’s a significant reason why they fail.

Relationships thrive when we put aside what someone deserves and respond by giving them what they need. When our spouse fails us, they need us to rise above the offense and help them be better, not simply get even with them. It’s an expression of God’s grace and an opportunity to meet your spouse’s mistakes with a response that heals. And it’ll enable your relationship to grow more safe and loving, rather than causing it to deteriorate further."

Because I know how imperfectly perfect we are as humans, I believe in the need to give each other lots of grace and mercy. We need to give it because there will always be a time when we need to receive it in return. Pulling the trigger to break up or divorce should always be taken as a last measure and after much thought, prayer and consideration. It should never be a knee jerk reaction or action when you truly love the other person. 

If you made it to the end, Wow!!!! Thanks for reading. =)

5 comments:

Beachgirl said...

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Let me know if you need anything.

Chitown said...

Thanks Beachgirl! Thanks for reading and for your kind words. =)

ShellyShell said...

Sorry this happened to you again. Now you truly know that he's not for you. There is someone out there that is deserving of your love. :)

Chitown said...

Thanks ShellyShell. I really just wanted one more try to see if I voiced what I needed, something would change for the better. I got my chance. So I just need to be thankful that I know the truth of how things are and will be. Feeling better today! One day at a time.

david james said...

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