Sunday, September 26, 2010


I feel so broken. There are NO words to describe just how hard it is for me to get out of bed this morning. My Heart is broken and what's worse, my spirit feels broken too. I take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. I am so tired of being alone. I am so tired of feeling like I don't matter and that I was thrown away like trash. I want love. I want companionship. I want to be happy again. I don't know why it all went away and so quickly. I can barely catch my breath.

I can't stop the tears from falling...


SavingDiva said...

I wish I could give you a hug right now. I've definitely been in your position. Just remember that you are too good for him...and you'll realize later (it took me a few years) that him breaking up with you is the best thing that could have happened to you.

My advice is to wallow for a little bit...but then dust yourself off and throw yourself into a new activity (reorganizing your place, cooking, etc).

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...


I really don't know what to say, just that I have followed your blog through its fits and starts, and that you are not a quitter. It is very difficult at this time, and it seems like you are going nowhere - but look at how far you have come financially!

It will take work to get over this relationship. No matter what. I am sure plenty of people have offered advice. Just keep posting - it is what has gotten you to where you are today, and it does hold you accountable to whatever you decide to be accountable for. As always, hang in there. It will get better.


Sallie's Niece said...

I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time right now. Hang in there. Things will get better.

The Borrower said...

We could be related. My sister, brother and myself are perfect examples of what you say here. All of us have this need to not be alone. Each and every break-up any of us went through was a hard one. My sister is the youngest at 27 and the only one who is not attached and when your wrote this, I heard her voice.

I am going to tell you what I have learned and what I tell her. You are the only love you NEED. As hard as it is you need to focus on you and just be happy. It is that person inside of you that glows when she is living that will attract the love of your life, that will mirror this and help you both to build your own special world.

In short, I agree with the SavingDiva - jump up, wipe your tears and start creating a positive internal talk - even writing down your attributes and taping them to your bathroom mirror to repeat every time you are in there. When you shine.....that is when it all works out.

Start with:
I am fabulous!
I am lovable and I love completely.

Kas said...

I feel ur pain.. My relationship of on and off again of 3.5 years just disintegrated before my eyes.. Its sad when things r going well and u think u found the one and he tells u that he loves u but he doesn't have that feeling that "I'm the one for him... Yeah talk about a knife to the heart.. U feel hopeless and lonely and that no one is ever gonna love u again.. I agree with everyone else says and I know in time u and I will feel much better and be over our ex's... And they will b the ones regretting their decisions!!!

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. That happened to me not to long ago. One day I was in, and the next moment, kicked to the curb and for what? She was 'more attractive' than I was, but had no substance. He realized that it was not going to work between them, and he came begging back. Did I take him back - yes, but there are a lot of conditions.

Chitown said...

@ Saving Diva: cyber hug ((hug)) for your comment. I think reorganizing my place is a great idea. I will probably work on that this weekend. It will give me something to look forward to.

@ Broke by Choice: I had to forward that blog post along to my friends too and recommend it on Facebook. I certainly have a thing about perfection. I think it's something that also frustrated my ex.

@ The Borrower: A Special Thank You for your comment. I totally get that message. As a believer in the law of attraction, I knew the feelings I had on Sunday morning were not helpful to where I am trying to go. All day long, I tried to refocus on what I do want and not what I am tired of. I am having a hard time loving and accepting myself with this STD that I will never be able to get rid of. I love Chitown but not Chitown with THIS. I am trying to get to a point where I can accept that part of me now. I am still so very angry. I went from nearly perfect in my eyes (you can fix finances) to very imperfect and flawed beyond belief but that is the only thing that really changed.

@ Sallie's Niece: Thanks a lot. I am hanging in there. I know time heals.

@ Gonna Make It: I know he is going to regret this decision just like he did the last time. I just wish I could avoid the pain altogether.

@ Anon: Even if he came back today, part of me knows I would take him back in a second. It's that thing called Unconditional Love. The thing that bothers me about that is that he's done this twice now and that seems like a character flaw. Also, IF he came back and IF I take him back, I would need for it to be because of love and not because of fear of being alone and starting over.

DreamChaser57 said...

WCB - what an emotionally transparent post, that took courage. I have been where you are, a five year relationship imploded before my eyes. I cannot even begin to describe the depths of despair and depression; it was a downward spiral for sure. I like to say that I initiated the breakup, but the reality is that his behavior forced me to take a stand, a stand I needed to take years before. Every relationship has ups and downs - but a pre-requisite to having a fulfilling relationship is that the person wants to be there. I have moved on, I am married now to an incredibly attentive, devoted, and loving man.
You will get through this, and take good care of yourself.