Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Broke & Broken...

I am going to take a blogging break for a couple of weeks. I just feel so completely broken and I don't know how to put the pieces back together again.

Out of the blue, Harlem sent me a beautiful text message on Saturday and the band-aid was just ripped off. I cannot help who I am or the fact that I love this man so completely regardless of his flaws. I found myself texting with him again and finding myself back in the old rythym and wanting more.

My chest starting hurting last Thursday and I had really bad chest pain on Monday and needed to go to the ER. With a family history of heart concerns, you can't be too careful. If it weren't for my Mom and Dad, I would have been at the hospital alone. I wanted Harlem with me and wished he was there but all I could have and get were text messages from NYC. I was at the hospital for a while, about 7 hours with Monday being the busiest day. At some point, my Mom had to take my Dad home so he could take his medicine and I was left at the hospital by myself and just sitting there in pain. I literally had nobody and I felt utterly alone. My Mom and Dad have each other. My Sis and BIL have each other and I have no one. 

Yesterday, Harlem says he thinks we can be great friends without the romance and he would really like that, when everything in me is screaming "I WANT MORE! I NEED MORE!" How do you stay friends with the man you love and the man you're in love with and see him go about living his life without you and creating your dreams with someone else?!?! I am not built that way and I don't have just friendly feelings. If friendship was all I wanted then that would work but it's not. I want a husband and a family and for the life of me, I still want that with him. In good times and tough times. 

Today, Harlem will begin his travels to Morocco for his 40th birthday trip, a trip I thought we were going to take together. I cannot help but wish I could experience that with him and at the same time hope he has an amazing and safe time. 

I feel so broken. I just didn't expect to be here at this point in my life. I have to figure out how to pay the medical bills from the hospital visit, my brakes on my car are squeaking again and I'm just soooo tired of struggling. I need help. I'm so tired of doing everything on my own. 

I'm hiding out in the bathroom at work because I can't stop the tears from falling. My eyes are red and puffy, my nose is surely red. So tired. I need a break. Thanks. 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

52-Week Challenge - Week 17...

I completed Week #17 of the 52-Week Money Challenge and I now have $153 put away. It doesn't seem like much but as you can see from the chart, I will be able to snowball my way to $1,378 by the end of the year. Slow and steady. Slow and steady. =)


$1,378 - 52 Week Challenge

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Good Saturday....

Today was a good day even though I had to work. I got up this morning and drove into the City to participate in a Clean & Green service project with Church. It's the first service project that I have participated in since joining the Church in late 2012. Pastor Hannah and New Life Oakwood have been very good to me and for me. So, I was happy to give back a little today.

We are short staffed in the office and are up against a tight deadline to complete a project before the Regulators come in May. So this is a working weekend for me and I cannot say that I was pleased given the short notice. Thank goodness I didn't have any solid plans for the weekend. I did miss softball and a birthday party this evening but I got a chance to enjoy dinner with my parents and nephew.

Now, it's about 10 o'clock and I am about to crank out a little more work and turn in for the night. I hope you guys are having a good weekend.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Date & Bring Your Child to Work....

Today is bring your child to work day and my BIL brought my nephew to work. Since we work for the same company, I get to work and spend a little time with my nephew. Fun! I cannot wait until I have children of my own. I really want to be a Wife and Mom.

I went out on a date couple of days ago. I wasn't looking per se but he found me and asked me out. We were planning to just get together for dinner after work but then he asked if I would like to go to the Bulls Game if he could get tickets. I love basketball and going to games so the answer was YES! I had a good time and the Bulls lost by 2 points in overtime. The guy was nice but he just wasn't my type and there was no spark or real attraction. He was nice though and asked to see me again this weekend so we'll see. He was nice and put together but just not that attractive. At the end of the day, I want to be treated with kindness and decency so that's more important than looks. Personality wise, he was cool and we had a few things in common. I don't know.....I love Harlem and I think I am still hung up on him for some reason....Otherwise, I think the guy would be okay.

I am looking forward to the weekend. My friend and I are going out for drinks after work on Friday, I am volunteering for a service project Saturday morning with my Church and I really want to finally get around to going to the movies. There are quite a few movies I want to see before they head to DVD.

Hope you guys are doing well. Have a great day!

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter Weekend...

I am having a wonderful Easter weekend. I spent most of the day and evening with my friend from NJ yesterday. Her family got together so we threw on the House Music, had some drinks and played a serious and fun game of Monopoly. I finished second to her stepdad who had hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk. Tough! lol We had a blast.

Church was amazing this morning and now I'm at my parent's house, ready to go inside to play with my nephew and enjoy some good eats. Hope you guys are having a great and blessed Easter weekend. =)

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Helpful Reminder...

This post blessed me. Thank you Iyanla.

Friday, April 18, 2014

52-Week Money Challenge....

I completed Week #16 of the 52-Week Money Challenge and I now have $136 put away. It doesn't seem like much but as you can see from the chart, I will be able to snowball my way to $1,378 by the end of the year. Slow and steady. Slow and steady. =)

I also updated my financials for February and March over at Networthiq. You can click on the net worth link at the top right of the page. Thanks! 


$1,378 - 52 Week Challenge

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Feeling Better...

I am doing a little better and I am feeling a little better. One day at a time. Being so busy with work and positioning myself to take on a leadership role has been a Godsend. I am actually starting to enjoy work more and my productivity has soared which is great. I intend to receive a Distinguished Rating for my performance this year which translates to a bigger bonus and promotion potential. Thumbs up!

I had a good day yesterday with a productive day at work and then I spent the evening coaching softball. I fill in every once in a while and it's always an enjoyable time. I still love being around the game and I start back playing in a few weeks. I think it's going to be a beautiful and warm Summer in Chicago. I got asked if I would be interested in putting on some hitting clinics so I just need to put some thought into the logistics because the facility isn't very close to the office and I tend to work a little later in the evening.

I got asked out by a guy and I am thinking about taking him up on the offer. Going out and having some fun can't be a bad thing and I could use some laughter and smiles in my life. I definitely plan on seeing several movies this weekend and I am trying to wrap up some work today so I can maybe take tomorrow off. One of my really good friends is in town and I can't wait to catch up with her as well.

Just feeling a little more upbeat. I am getting and feeling better and better. Thanks for reading and for hanging in there with me. I will be getting back into the financial side of things soon. =)

Monday, April 14, 2014

Trying To Stay Strong....

I am going through it right now and I know it will pass but it's just hard.  I was feeling better and I was feeling encouraged yesterday but then I cried myself to sleep because my heart and my spirit hurts so bad.  I am just being honest.  I cried out last night to God that it honestly is becoming too much to handle.  I know God says he won't put more on a person than they can handle but I personally feel I am about there.  Having my heart broken so many times.  Loving someone so fully and with such abandon just leaves you so open and exposed to heart break. I think the suddenness of the break-up just really caught me off guard.  It's like a death.  Here today and gone tomorrow.  Literally.  You don't expect the person you love and the person who says they love you to dismiss you so coldly and so quickly.  To talk about taking next steps with a man and then they throw you away with what seems like the same breath.  I don't think I am off base to feel and believe that it's not right to treat someone that way.  I don't believe it's proper or kind.  Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much and love so unconditionally.  Then it wouldn't hurt so bad.  But I love who I am and I think I am a great person.  I just need to continue to have faith, be thankful for the strength to get through each day and continue to hope for better tomorrows. 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

I Want a Puppy!!!

My Sis and BIL got my nephew a puppy today! I fell in love with Max immediately. I'm in trouble. Max wouldn't leave my side and kept giving me kissies. Now I want a puppy! lol 

Tough Times & Recent Breakup...

I just had a pretty tough couple of weeks. I decided a month ago to give my Ex another chance and once again it didn't work out. I sincerely love him but it's hard to be in a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells. What I mean by that is that for the most part, I can't have a bad day, I can't show human emotions of sadness or frustration, I can't question anything and I can't offer any criticism without being chastised, ignored or disregarded for a period of time (days/weeks/months) or literally dumped. Only for him to come back like it never happened and I'm supposed to just live in the present and forget the past. My life is not a revolving door and I'm a human being with feelings and it hurts like hell. 

We never have arguments over anything substantive. It's all petty stuff that should last a day at the most and nothing to lose momentum over. Sometimes, you just get out of sync as a couple. But when you close off the interaction and communication, the connection just dies and you can never gain the proper momentum to move the relationship forward. We both want to get married and have children so We cannot afford to waste time doing this stop and go, stop and go. It hurts. It's counterproductive. It's fantastical if one thinks you can be in a relationship and not have some conflict, disagreement or arguments from time to time but that's not the end all be all. It happens in every relationship and friendship. 

The small argument we had after weeks of enjoying each other, communicating and having fun should never have resulted in a break up. To have it happen over text and then confirmed by phone while I am at work was awful. I just grabbed my coat, purse and sunglasses, and walked over to Millennium Park. I stared at the Bean for an hour with tears coming down my face. I feel like I've built up enough equity and goodwill in our relationship and I've given him so much grace & mercy to be able to have a bad day or a frustrated moment and not be thrown away like trash.

Long distance relationships can be difficult. They're even harder when you're dating someone who lives a very unstructured life and your life is very structured. It's even more difficult when you try to merge those lives together. For the most part, I think I did a good job. Even in these last few weeks, I may of had hours or a couple day's notice that he was coming into town. We both wanted to see each other and spend time together. The first visit, I had a few hours of notice but I gladly worked with it and we made it happen. We decided we'd see each other around 4ish on a Sunday evening and his flight would land around 9pm. I was in the City so I had to drive home which was about an hour away, straighten the house, do personal grooming and still drive an hour to the airport. So worth it! We had a great time. I even called off from work on Monday so we could spend more time together. I was able to fit his unstructured, on a whim, moment to moment lifestyle into my structured life but it's just not always that easy and there's lots going on in the background on my end to also shuffle things around and have things nice and comfortable for him when he visits. Some days it's easier. Some days it's harder and I can get frustrated but I always felt like he was worth it and we were worth it. Even though I signed up for it, that doesn't mean I didn't get frustrated from time to time. I really just wanted him here in Chicago with me. 

So back here again and it hurts. It hurts to love someone and have them discard you so easily like trash. For them to tell you that you're it, that you're such a great human, and that they love you and then they break up with you within the same week. It's extreme! But it's also insanity for me to keep choosing to do it over and over because this is about the 6th time in a year that I've been tossed aside. The punishment, if you will, never fits the crime and I don't treat him the same when he has a bad day or lets his mouth get the best of him. Grace & Mercy. When we were arguing, my Ex mockingly asked me where was my God that Saturday and my rally call to have God walk with me. Well, I walk with God everyday and HE picks me up when I stumble and HE gives me strength to push forward in my walk with HIM. I'm not perfect but HE loves me anyway and never gives up on me. Now, that is LOVE!


I completed several devotionals on relationships and marriage and this one devotional stood out to me and I really try to live it and apply it in all of my relationships. It's called DON'T PLAY FAIR. 

"Do you remember your parents telling you to “play fair”? That’s certainly a good moral to live by in sports or board games. But playing fair is also one of the quickest ways to ruin a marriage.

Good for good; bad for bad. That’s the driving force behind playing fair. It’s a philosophy that says, “If you treat me right, I’ll treat you right. But if you cross me, I’ll hurt you right back.” In a conflict, it means a couple gives each other what they deserve, and that’s exactly the problem.

Playing fair works as long as we give good things to our spouse in return for their positive behavior. But what happens when respect breaks down and one spouse snaps in anger at the other? Often times, the spouse who gets yelled at responds by screaming right back. And just like that, the relationship takes a hit because one spouse has given the other what they deserved. Unfortunately, many marriages operate on this premise, and it’s a significant reason why they fail.

Relationships thrive when we put aside what someone deserves and respond by giving them what they need. When our spouse fails us, they need us to rise above the offense and help them be better, not simply get even with them. It’s an expression of God’s grace and an opportunity to meet your spouse’s mistakes with a response that heals. And it’ll enable your relationship to grow more safe and loving, rather than causing it to deteriorate further."

Because I know how imperfectly perfect we are as humans, I believe in the need to give each other lots of grace and mercy. We need to give it because there will always be a time when we need to receive it in return. Pulling the trigger to break up or divorce should always be taken as a last measure and after much thought, prayer and consideration. It should never be a knee jerk reaction or action when you truly love the other person. 

If you made it to the end, Wow!!!! Thanks for reading. =)

Friday, April 11, 2014


I think I'm going to fly out to LA and get my hair cut and styled! I've never had a real haircut before and my best friend said she'll go with me and we'll make it a weekend. Fun! 

Now that I've let my hair go more freely, it looks a lot like the top left picture. I want to get it cut in a way that will give me more volume and style. So excited! We're shooting for the second weekend in June. 

I found out that I'll be traveling to Houston for a week next month to work on an Oil & Gas Review and then I'm heading to Toronto the first week in June to start the Senior Leadership Program. I'm also hoping to get to Niagara Falls on that trip. I love to travel so bring it on! 

Really looking forward to getting my hair styled. It's going to look awesome!!! 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

My Heart is Good...

Today I am so thankful. I am so grateful that despite the trials, setbacks and disappointments, my life is still so full and beautiful. I have good health, the most amazing family, great friends, a solid career with credentials to match, a nice home and the ability to take care of myself. When I think there is no way, God proves me wrong and He makes a way.

I often have to remind myself that life and evolution of my own womanhood is a journey that is ever changing and constantly improving. There will never be a point where I have reached my destination because there will be more room to grow in every area of my life. So in essence, you never get it done. When it's done, you're no longer here so it's grand and a blessing to be able to continue the journey. I am so thankful that God knows my heart and he continues to provide me with life, love, grace and mercy. I think often of our relationship because that's really what I have with God. I don't have religion but I do have relationship. It's a relationship where I know I get more than I deserve. He loves me unconditionally, never gives up on me, provides for me, protects me and is my constant companion. When I feel like I can go no further, it's amazing how he picks me up and carries me forward.

So today I won't dwell on what is wrong or missing in my life. Instead, I will bask in all that is great and beautiful. Giving Thanks! My heart is pure and my life is good. =)

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Massage & Serenity Prayer...

Just got home after getting an awesome massage this evening. To top it off, I got $100 off for completing a Yelp review so all I had to pay was $45 including the tip. My neck feels so much better. I spent another week in Wisconsin for work and my neck was so out of whack when I got back from the hotel bed and pillow. Woo Saa! I feel like I haven't relaxed in sooo long. While I was on the table, the serenity prayer came to me clear as day and also the saying, "when people show you who they are, pay attention and believe them!" I had another really good day. =)

Slow Updates....

I just realized that I haven't updated my financial snapshots over at networthiq since January so I will update for February and March before the end of the week. I am pretty much on target with my goals for the year and I am excited about paying off over $20k in debt this year and $30k next year. Oh yeah! Freedom is coming and I am focused! More to come.

I've had three pretty awesome days in a row. I am just feeling upbeat and positive and well, it's pretty darn amazing! My best friend and I took a long walk at lunch on a beautiful Chicago Spring Day. We ended up winding out way through Millennium Park. I am getting a long overdue massage this evening after work and one of my really good friends who moved to NJ last year is coming back home for a visit this weekend. I am really excited.

Well, that's all for me folks right now. I need to crank out a little more work before I head home this evening. I hope you're doing well. =)

Tuesday, April 08, 2014



I have the travel bug! I love to travel and have already put my folks on notice that even if I have to take a trip by myself, I am out of here soon. Here is a link to CNN's Travelers' Choice: World's Top 25 Destinations

I want to go to every place on the list! lol I think it would be kind of fun to backpack it too one day and just explore. Fun! Fun! Fun! =)