Drowning...

There is a pretty big thunderstorm happening right now. I can hear the rain coming down hard, see the lightening between the blinds and hear the thunder. It's quiet in the house. The lights were flickering so I have the candles lit and it's just me sitting here on my couch thinking.

My adult life has been very disappointing. I'm 36, single, in a job that I dislike to my core and I'm $200,000+ in debt. I never imagined a life of struggle. I never imagined this would be my story.

I struggle. I've been struggling since I went out on my own at 25. 11 years of really hard work, struggle and absolute disappointment. It's hard sometimes to look in the mirror and not see myself as a disappointment. To not feel like a disappointment. I had it made. I come from a great family, I got a full ride scholarship to one of the best universities in the country, I'm super smart and I'm beautiful on the inside and on the outside. Nobody would ever know my struggle. I have a smile that will light up the entire room and it's my mask. It hides my pain.

The relationship struggles amplify the other struggles. I've taken care of the men in my life in the ways they needed, financially and otherwise and I've been hurt badly mentally, emotionally and even physically.

I read all the time. I read in "The Fault in Our Stars" this line that rang true...."That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt".  Indeed it does. I didn't go to work today. I spent part of my day opening about 2 months of mail. There had to be a notice somewhere about my student loan payment increasing as it did this month to the tune of about $150. As it stood, I had about $1,200 in free cash flow each month after bills are paid but I've been trying to put an extra $400/month towards debt. So that left $800 and just $400 every two weeks for groceries, toiletries, household items, miscellaneous bills/expenses, tithing, clothing, medicine, etc. It doesn't go far. There's no money for vacations, shoes or purses and little money for entertainment. All of that comes from whatever savings I have which depletes very fast.

Today, I opened up a letter that told me just one of my 10 loans was increasing another $75 in July so now I'm down to just over $600 for the entire month with more loans increasing by October. I honestly have no idea what I am going to do if I don't get another position soon. As it stands, I already work 12 hour days and my boss is considering mandating that we work from 8 to 6 when we already do and take work home on weekends. I got chastised for leaving 20 minutes early so I could go coach softball so an extra job isn't even possible.

It's just bad. I need suits to wear for Leadership Training next month so I was going through my clothes to see what I could fit and what needed to be repaired, etc. I haven't purchased clothing in about 6 years. My clothing situation is raggedy. The pant linings to all but one of my pant suits are so ripped up that I had to just cut them out and I had to get a few hems repaired. The three sweater shirts I took to the cleaners today had holes in them that I got repaired vs. buying new ones. I was so embarrassed to take those clothes into the dry cleaners. I got back in my car and I just hurt to my soul. I wanted to cry. I drove over to my parents house just to see them and to remind myself that there is a reason for me to be here and that I am loved and valuable to someone.

I just never imagined this would be my story. I don't have anything to offer people that are looking for a personal finance blog. The only thing you get here is a real life picture in words about the devastation that debt can cause. How debt can dim a person's light.  I am going to have red, puffy eyes tomorrow. Too much crying. Night night.